In Sickness and in Health
by laurah2215
Summary: Series:These Changes; Story # 4


Title: In Sickness and Health

Title: In Sickness and Health  
Author: Laura H  
Rating: Teen??  
Disclaimer: This is getting redundant. I didn't own the characters  
when I first started writing fanfic, and I don't own them now. Well,  
except, I guess, the original ones.  
Synopsis: It is revealed why CJ is having a hard time bonding with her  
baby.

It had been a long three days in New York and Washington. Danny  
is already tired of hotel beds and cheap food and everything about  
being in a big city. Ironically, he used to be in love with D.C. Now,  
he is just grateful to be driving into his subdivision in Santa  
Monica. But, he reflects, the book is a done deal and is due to hit  
bookshelves next summer. He is almost finished. The research is  
complete and he now possesses all the tapes of the notes Jed Bartlet  
had dictated and the interviews he had given Danny. It's a major  
accomplishment to write a 1,000 page (well, it will be 1,000 pages)  
autobiography for a popular president.

Danny pulls the Audi into the driveway, parks, grabs his luggage  
from the backseat and takes long strides into the house. " Honey, I'm  
home!" Danny is greeted with the sound of his daughter's shrill cry  
and the T.V. in the den blaring Tim Russert's voice. "CJ!"

"Upstairs!" she calls, evidently distracted.

Danny rushes up the stairs, drops his suitcase and briefcase in  
the hall and runs into Reese's nursery. Reese is sitting up in her  
crib, the crocheted blanket Abbey made for her lying hap-hazardly  
across her lap, and flailing her arms. Danny scoops the six-month old  
baby into his arms and lays her across his shoulder. He follows the  
noise to the study, where CJ is sitting at the desk, her attention on  
the conversation she is having over the phone.

"I understand, Alice. You don't need to tell me…" She glances up  
and notices Danny in the doorjamb, rubbing their daughter's back.  
Reese is now contently sucking her pacifier. "Alice, I'm gonna call  
you back." CJ looks up at Danny and gives him a small smile. " You're  
back."

"Reese was crying when I came in," Danny relays, clearly not  
impressed.

"Reese always cries," CJ shrugs it off, closing the binder in  
front of her and crossing the room.

Danny's eyes widen. " That was her hungry cry. When did you feed  
her last?"

CJ rolls her eyes. " I'm not stupid. I gave her carrots and  
berries at four." She brushes past Danny and heads into the  
master-bedroom.

"It's eight-thirty! CJ, she can't go four and a half hours  
without eating," Danny tells her firmly.

Taking a seat on the bed, CJ looks up, a look of haunted sadness  
filling her eyes. "I didn't hear a hungry cry. I don't know…I didn't  
know she was hungry."

Danny slowly walks over to the bed and sits next to CJ. " She has  
lots of cries. She has a hungry cry, a diaper-change cry, a restless  
cry, a scared cry…"

"How do you know the difference?" CJ asks in a whisper.

Danny looks at CJ, surprised and worried that this is coming up  
now. "She's had the same cries since she was born. You can't tell the  
difference?"

Fixing her eyes on the window, CJ shakes her head. " I spent the  
last three days trying to figure out what was wrong every time she cried."

Danny licks his lips, at a loss for words. Reese starts tugging  
on Danny's shirt, wordlessly telling him that she's hungry. Danny runs  
a hand through her head of strawberry-blonde curls and kisses her  
crown. " Why don't you feed her and then we'll put her to bed?"

"Danny, I don't know why you left her with me alone. I  
can't…you're so much better with her than I am." CJ throws a hand in  
the air. This isn't entirely her fault. Danny should have taken Reese  
with him. She had been busy trying to prep for her trip to Senegal and  
Mali in February.

"So, you gotta get better. You can't expect to be good with her  
unless you spend time getting to know her," Danny says pointedly.

"I can't! Every time I try to bond, she screams and cries. She  
absolutely hates me!" CJ retorts in frustration.

Danny shakes his head in protest. " She doesn't hate you. Babies  
aren't capable of that emotion and you haven't done anything to make  
her mistrust you."

"Well, then you can explain why my touch is like fire to her  
skin," CJ mutters, her eyes looking anywhere but at Danny.

Danny averts his eyes to the bed. He doesn't have any answers. He  
doesn't know why Reese cries when CJ tries to rock her in her arms or  
bounce her on her lap or really do anything beside breast-feed her.

"Hand her over, she's hungry." CJ breaks the silence.

She can feel Reese's suckling stop, so she moves the baby onto  
her shoulder and begins burping her as she crosses the hall to Reese's  
room. She brings the side down on the wooden crib and sets the child  
inside. Reese is particularly compliant tonight, so CJ doesn't have to  
wake Danny to calm her down. She just slides into bed next to Danny,  
turns onto her side and forces herself back to sleep.

Danny hears the unmistakable diaper-change cry and, seeing CJ  
sleeping peacefully beside him, pushes himself out of bed and pads  
down the hall to Reese's room. Looking at the crib, Danny stops cold.  
Reese, wrapped in a receiving blanket and quilt, teeters on the edge  
of the crib. The side of the crib is down, leaving a large gap that  
Reese could easily fall through onto the floor. He rushes to the crib  
and scoops the writhing child into his arms just as she is about to  
rock herself onto the floor.

"Oh, my God," Danny huffs out a large gulp of air, holds Reese  
close to his chest and tries to control his heart rate. Once he gets  
over the initial shock, he sets Reese on the change table and expertly  
secures a fresh diaper to her butt. He carries her back to the  
master-bedroom, where he perches on the end of the bed.

"CJ? Honey, wake up." Danny's voice, level and firm, contains  
traces of anger and hurt.

CJ mumbles inaudibly before turning around and lifting up. "She  
hungry?"

Danny takes a deep breath before beginning. "CJ, when you put  
Reese in her bed after feeding her, did you happen to put the side  
back up?"

CJ blinks repeatedly, racking her brain. " I don't remember," she  
admits, emotionless.

Danny bites his bottom lip hard. "CJ, you HAVE to remember! You  
can't just FORGET about ensuring our baby's SAFETY! She nearly fell  
out of bed, CJ! If I hadn't have walked in when I did, she woulda fell  
on the floor. You…have…to remember." Danny lowers his eyes and  
swallows hard. He had never scolded CJ like that before, and the  
feelings rushing through him scare him to death.

Silent tears escape CJ's eyes. She suddenly becomes fascinated  
with the bedspread.

Danny licks his lips." I'm sorry, that was…"

"Completely justified," CJ whispers, finally bringing her eyes up  
to meet Danny's. "I guess I was tired. I…" CJ gives her head a shake.  
"How could I let that happen? Danny," she whispers in a strained  
voice. "what's wrong with me?"

"I don't know, but whatever is, we're gonna do whatever it takes  
to fix it. Danny wraps an arm around her back, pulls her close and  
kisses the top of her head and lingers there.

"I don't know if this is such a good idea." CJ shifts  
uncomfortably in the waiting room. She feels as if every eye (all five  
sets of them) in the room is on her.

Danny gives her hand a light squeeze. "This woman is supposed to  
be great. Abbey recommended her." Danny glances down at Reese, who is  
dozing in her car seat on the floor in front of them.

"Yeah, and I really wish you hadn't have discussed what we  
talked about last night with Abbey," CJ grumbles.

"Whenever I have a concern about you or Reese I call Abbey,"  
Danny shrugs with a cocky grin. He knows CJ won't try to refute that.  
They constantly seeks Abbey's advise, and neither of them mind because  
more often than not the older woman is right.

CJ can't conjure a comeback; she calls Abbey about everything,  
too. But this inadequacy, these feelings, have been kept from  
everyone, even her own analysis.

"Mrs. Concannon?" The receptionist behind the counter motions for  
CJ to come foreword. "You'll be in the third room on the left. Dr.  
Fischer will be with you in a minute."

CJ thanks the doctor and, at Danny's prompting, walks down the  
hall toward her assigned room. She enters a warm, naturally-lit room  
with a couch, two recliners and a wooden desk.

"Where should I sit?" CJ wonders aloud, scanning the room  
skeptically.

"I think that's up to you, sweetheart." With a smile, he follows  
CJ to the couch and sits down. He places the car seat on the floor in  
front of him and turns to take CJ's hand in his.

Dr. Fischer, an older, silver-haired woman with neat slacks and  
an over-sized sweater, greets CJ and Danny as she closes the door  
behind her. "This must be Reese." She coos at the baby before taking a  
seat on one of the armchairs opposite the couch.

"Thank you for seeing us on such short notice," Danny offers  
politely.

"You're lucky. A patient cancelled just before you called. You  
mentioned you know Abbey Bartlet?" She leans back in her chair and  
begins writing notes on a clipboard.

"Yes, CJ worked for President Bartlet for eight years. She and  
Abbey are very close," Danny supplies when CJ remains silent.

"She's a great doctor and fantastic woman. She used to copy my  
notes in school." Dr. Fischer lifts her head and cracks a smile. "  
That was a joke. We can smile a little in here."

Danny makes a point of returning her smile, but notices CJ's  
attempt is forced and fake.

"Okay, so Danny told my receptionist that you're concerned about  
CJ's...maternal instincts?" the psychiatrist reads off her clipboard.  
"Why don't you explain?"

"Oh, well…" Danny begins.

Dr. Fischer puts a hand up to stop him. "Sorry, I meant CJ. CJ,  
why don't you tell me why you came today?"

CJ shares a nervous look with Danny before turning back to the  
psychiatrist. "Well, last night I put the baby back in her crib after  
I fed her, but I didn't secure the side of the crib, and she almost  
fell out. If Danny hadn't have went to her, she would have fallen on  
the floor."

Dr. Fischer nods, her pen scribbling furiously. She looks up at  
CJ. "So, you're here because you put your daughter in danger and  
you're worried about that?"

"Well, there's more to it than that," Danny interjects.

"Danny, right now I'm interested in CJ's perceptions. There will  
be time for you to add your input, but please refrain for now." She  
motions for CJ to continue.

Swallowing hard, CJ relays the answer she had formulated in her  
head. "That's a big reason, but it's not the only one."

Dr. Fischer, sensing CJ's discomfort ( and probably  
embarrassment), decides to try the indirect path. "CJ, have your  
feelings changed since Reese was born? Has your mood altered  
significantly?"

CJ drops her eyes to the ground and nods. " I was excited to have  
a baby. Obviously, like most mothers-to-be, I was nervous and worried  
that I'd screw up, but I convinced myself that everything would fall  
into place and I'd get good at it. But, I didn't get good at it. I've  
never been a good mother. It took me days to get my baby to take my  
breast. Every time I hold her, she starts crying; I hand her to Danny  
and she stops. So, eventually I decided it would be easier to have  
Danny do everything for her. I have little to no maternal instincts. I  
don't know when she's hungry or tired or… I'm just a terrible mother."

Dr. Fischer finishes jotting down her notes and cocks her head  
toward Danny. " Would you confirm what CJ described?"

"Parts of it. Yes, it seems like Reese prefers me. But CJ isn't a  
terrible mother." He stares into his wife's somber eyes.

" How are you physically? Are you experiencing fatigue, nausea,  
aching muscles, headaches, drowsiness, irritability, insomnia, or  
over-sleeping?"

"Put a check beside them all," CJ laughs in a self-deprecating,  
nervous manner.

"CJ, do you love your daughter?" Dr. Fischer inquires, leaning  
back to appraise CJ as she responds.

"Yes," CJ breathes evenly.

"Is that love unconditional? For example, if she were caught in a  
burning building, knock on wood, would you run in to save her? If she  
grew up to be a circus clown, or something you didn't approve of,  
would you still love her?" The doctor leans back in her chair.

"I would do anything for her, and would never condemn her for  
following her dreams," CJ responds honestly.

The doctor leans forward to address her patient. "Well, CJ, I can  
tell you right now that you're not a terrible mother. But, it's  
interesting to me that since I've been in this room, you haven't  
addressed Reese by name or hardly glanced at her. She's lying by  
Danny's feet." The doctor looks at CJ, then Danny. She doesn't receive  
a response, so she continues. "Believe it or not, you have maternal  
instincts; you just haven't tapped in to how to use them. The first  
couple days after birth are important to bonding. That's not to say  
you can't form a bond when a child is one or five or nineteen, but for  
new parents, the level of confidence in themselves in the first few  
days is important. You didn't bond with Reese when she was born  
because you were predisposed to nerves and poor self-confidence in  
parenting. Combine that with an inability to feed her and fulfill her  
needs and Reese's preference for her father, and you felt rejected.  
Instead of pushing to form a bond, you protected yourself by passing  
the parenting duties off to Danny, which strengthened Reese's bond  
with Danny. Thus, a vicious cycle."

CJ blinks hard. " So, there's nothing really wrong with me?"

"Oh, yes," Dr. Fischer smiles. "there's something wrong."

"Well, what is it?" Danny asks impatiently.

"Post-partum depression," the doctor responds emotionlessly.

CJ's mouth falls agape.

"That doesn't sound like something easily fixed," Danny adds  
cautiously.

"It's not. It's gonna take some medication, some therapy and a  
lot of time and effort. But the good news is, there will be a day  
when CJ is confident in her parenting abilities and will experience  
the thrills of raising a child. All your insecurities, your physical  
discomfort, and probably a host of other issues, cause your brain to  
release chemicals that make you feel bad. It's not your fault that you  
feel this way, but you can consciously make yourself better."

When she first heard the word "depression", CJ had panicked.  
She's a psycho; she has mental problems. But Dr. Fischer's last words  
cause a flood of relieved emotions. She doesn't have to hide her  
feelings anymore, she doesn't have to pretend that everything is fine.  
She has a legitimate problem and she's going to get help.

The car ride home is mostly silent. Danny asks a couple probing  
questions, makes some benign comments, but stops when he only receives  
monosyllabic responses.

CJ feels confident in the help she is receiving, but she's still  
embarrassed. This isn't something that she'd like advertised, yet she  
feels like she has a neon sign over her head saying, "Just escaped  
from the Loony Bin." Will everyone look at her differently now?

"Dr. Fischer suggested conscious bonding activities a couple  
times a day. You wanna change her diaper, feed her and take a nap?"  
Danny walks through the front door that CJ is holding open for  
him(because he has the baby in his arms)

"Who's taking the nap, me or her?" CJ asks smartly.

"Both. I'll join you. We can curl up in bed and put on the news,"  
Danny suggests, ascending the stairs, CJ close in toe. He leads the  
way to Reese's room and sets her on the change table.

"She's not gonna like this," CJ warns, taking her place in front  
of the table and starting to unfasten the buttons on the little girl's  
jumper.

"So, she cries. You'll hold her close and she'll soon realize  
that you're not a freaky stranger; you're her mom and you love her."  
Danny tries to offer encouraging words. He's determined that CJ will  
get better and won't miss out on Reese's wonder years because she's  
insecure.

Danny hands CJ a fresh diaper and she slowly goes through the  
process of switching diapers. Every once in a while, she glances to  
Danny for assurance. Danny bobs his head encouragingly. CJ carefully  
lifts the child onto her shoulder and rubs her back in a circular  
pattern. Reese burst into tears.

"I'm not doing anything! I'm barely touching her!" CJ's voice  
raises in frustration. This only increases the ferocity of Reese's wails.

"Come on, let's go lie down." Danny grabs Reese's crocheted  
blanket , plush giraffe( from Uncle Toby) and the teddy bear Danny  
made for her at "Build a Bear," when she was born. He places his hand  
on the small of CJ's back and gently directs her to the master-bedroom.

CJ sits down and rocks Reese in her arm until her wails  
depreciate to sniffling sobs. Danny wraps an arm around his wife and  
leans into the pillows. He uses the remote to switch to a sports channel.

"See, you can quiet her down," Danny first pecks CJ chastely on  
the lips, then dips his head to tenderly kiss his baby's cheek.

"Yeah, she cried herself to sleep. She's not crying because she  
has no energy left," CJ explains sarcastically.

"CJ, give it time. Have faith in yourself and have faith in our  
daughter. For her to trust you, she's gotta sense your love and  
confidence. Baby's need to trust their parents, but that trust doesn't  
happen automatically." Danny's fingers rub patterns on CJ's thigh.

CJ stares into Danny's eyes, her face completely serious. "What  
if I can't do it? What if I always…feel this way?"

"You won't," Danny shakes his head, assured. "You're gonna get  
good at this."

"Do we…do we tell people…about this?" CJ wonders aloud, her eyes  
fixed on the bed sheets.

"That you have post-partum depression? It's okay to say it out  
loud, ya know. That's up to you, I suppose. But, you have nothing to  
be ashamed of, so that shouldn't be a reason not to tell your friends  
and family." Danny is sure of his words, and he honestly means every  
one of them.

CJ blinks hard. " But I am ashamed, Danny. Everyone's belief  
that I can't bond with my baby will be confirmed. Everyone will know  
I'm a bad mother. This is why…I didn't want kids because I thought I'd  
fail at it. And I guess my instincts were right."

Shaking his head back and forth, Danny stops her from continuing.  
"CJ, you haven't failed at anything. The day Reese goes to jail, then  
I'll say we both failed. But that's not gonna happen. Remember what it  
felt like when we were counting down the months until we could welcome  
her into our world? You did want this baby, CJ. Those were real feelings."

CJ nods mutely, somewhat agreeing.

"It's gonna take some time, but you're gonna get better. We're  
gonna get good at this," Danny attempts to reassure her, and his  
conviction finally has an effect on his wife.  
The End  
So, when I said this was the last sequel, I may have lied. I'm working  
on a future fic.


End file.
